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My Story with Anna

Anna invaded my personal space. Uninvited, she entered my home. I remember when she first sat down with the family during dinner. Everyone was engaging with her, while I sat there silently observing. She was speaking about subjects I had heard of but had never considered in that manner. Once Anna had left my house for the first time, I thought that would be the end of her. Unbeknownst to me, she was in my class at school the next day. The words she had spoken the night before seemed to linger in the air, reaching my classmates and me. When it was time for lunch, Anna was wandering around, looking for a spot. However, she did not seem worried about not knowing anyone. She had a presence that drew everyone in. I was attracted to her appearance and invited her to join us for lunch. Anna and I talked about everything under the sun during that first lunch. Our lifestyle, hobbies, favorite foods, and sports that interest us. During our conversation at lunch, I knew we would become close friends. Whenever I talked, she would listen with open ears and wide eyes. She gave me validation in a way I haven't experienced before.

          The next thing I knew, Anna and I were talking at all hours of the day. In the morning before school, during school, and after school. She provided me with distraction and comfort, just like any best friend would. Every now and then, she would make remarks that rubbed me the wrong way, but I blindly ignored them because everyone around me seemed to agree with her. I started incorporating her life into mine. I wanted to be Anna. As I started changing myself to become more like her, her comments became increasingly consistent. Anna was always nagging in my ear, and her voice became louder. However, when I listened to her voice, people would applaud her. So, I began to ignore reason and listened to all the perfect whispers she was speaking in my ear. Anna was present in every aspect of my life. She showed up at every mealtime, coaxing me to count calories and macros. Anna would scrutinize every social event in my life and bring out the vibrant colors of my existence. Anna's motive was to exploit every insecurity of mine in order to satisfy her obsessive desire for control.

          Experiences that once brought me joy were shattered all because of Anna's voice and presence. I couldn't get rid of her. I have just accepted that she was a part of my life. Anna was the jail guard, and I was a prisoner in my own world. My friends and family were worried, but I didn't care enough to notice. They would voice their concerns, but they never help in the right way. Everything they do still involves Anna. When discussing how to bring light back into my life, Anna would often yell and argue with my loved ones. I let her drive every decision because if I don't, she becomes frustrated and manic.

       Finally, my nurse practitioner sent Anna and me to counseling. There were people who would fight against Anna to heal me from all her negativity. I would cry because I still felt bad that they were doing this to my best friend. My Coping Mechanism. Anorexia. Slowly, I began to recognize when eating disorder-related thoughts were entering my mind. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to overcome. Making my parents cry and not changing. Constantly living in a state of feeling cold. Dealing with brain fog on a daily basis. Anorexia did not just affect me in the moment. It still does now. Those two years of my life, I only remember because I have pictures. If it weren't for my camera roll, I wouldn't remember two years of my teenage life. Today, Anna's presence is a distant echo, reminding me of the strength it took to reclaim my life. She no longer holds sway over my thoughts and actions. Instead, I hold the reins, steering towards a future free from her suffocating grasp. In sharing this journey, I hope to shed light on the insidious nature of eating disorders, as personified in Anna. 

       I have learned that although it may seem as if everyone is sharing and experiencing happy memories, not everyone is. All foods fit, and my body is not going to fail me. It knows what to do when processing food. I have created my own blog to raise awareness. Nobody should ever have to survive on just an apple. Nobody should think that they don't deserve food. Food is what fuels your body, providing you with energy. I had no energy. I was like a running car without fuel. It is a battle that many face in silence, but it is one that can be won with support, resilience, and a fierce determination to reclaim one's own narrative.

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