The temperature outside was dropping and so was my body’s core temperature.
This time of year brings up many emotions and memories. Some are good, but most are painful and uncomfortable. I will cut right to it. The winter season is brutal for people with eating disorders. It gets harder to hide. The winter months are not just hard because of all the holidays surrounding food, the weather hurts our bodies. My bones would hurt from being extremely cold. No matter the level of severity that someone's eating disorder, it is always important to have extra care for people around the holidays (no matter, what everyone is valid and deserves to recover)
In the hardest times of my eating disorder, holiday meals were always around. I was tip-toeing around eating and trying to hide my sickness as much as possible. Even if your loved ones know about your eating disorder, meals can still be really difficult. Especially when there is an increasing amount of diet-culture talk that goes on around festive food (food shaming). Everyone can think of a time in their life when someone has said the following regarding food:
“I was so bad for eating XYZ.”
“Are you going to eat all of that?”
“I shouldn’t go back for more food.”
“I should probably skip XYZ to make up for the meal later/earlier.”
“That has a lot of fat in it. Maybe you choose something else.”
“Diet starts on Monday!”
There are so many more I can name, but these are just a few that can be detrimental to someone's mental and physical health. Bringing up loved ones or friends to not talk about food such as this can be scary and confrontational. When someone makes these comments I try to remind them that this food is nutritious and satisfying and there are no “good” or “bad” foods. All food has nutrients and is so much more than calories. It is love, enjoyment, and memories. Next time somebody makes a food-shaming comment here are some things you can try to reply with:
“I appreciate your concern, but I think I can manage my own eating.”
“I would rather we not talk about food/dieting this way”
“In this house, we do not talk about what we eat negatively”
“What I, or anybody else, eats is none of your business”
“I prefer not to discuss weight or body images right now”
“You are deserving of having seconds and all different kinds of food. Count memories, not calories.”
Always remember it is not your job to educate somebody on intuitive and free eating. You can always remove yourself from the situation and walk away. You can simply ignore them.
When someone is malnourished, they do not have enough energy/body fat to regulate their body temperature. Regardless of what somebody looks like on the outside, anybody can be malnourished. Not being able to keep your body at a comfortable temperature is extremely painful. If someone's body is deprived of food their body is missing out on key nutrients and vitamins, such as iron, B vitamins, folate, manganese, and sulfur needed to maintain metabolism. All these help regulate hormones and temperature.
I have talked about the feeling of constant coldness here before, but I did not discuss the consistent lack of energy and bodily functions that happen. Along with always feeling sharp pains flowing in my bones from being cold, I could barely walk up the stairs at my high school. For each 10-minute passing period, I would make myself walk up at least 2 flights of stairs so I could get in exercise at school. I would not even have classes on the top floor, but I would still walk the stairs. Every time I would walk the stairs with my heavy backpack, numerous people would pass me because of how slow I was walking. Once I finally reached the top, I was dizzy, and then I would turn around and walk back down to walk up again one more time and if I had time do that same thing a final time. There is no way to describe the heaviness of my own body. I remember I could not wear Air Forces or any “heavy” shoes because I could barely lift my feet in them. Tennis shoes were my safe bet so I could still walk the stairs.
When I would enter a class in the nick of time after walking the stairs, I would sit down and feel my bones in the seat. Sitting in the school chairs hurt my legs and butt bones. I was always in discomfort. My eating disorder took away so many things from me that I won't be able to get back. Looking back on my freshman year of high school, I do not even feel like it happened. I was not there mentally or physically for most of it. It is sad to think that I have no memories from that school year unless you count the memories of me hiding food, lying to loved ones, and constantly at the doctor.
I was still dancing throughout my eating disorder when I most definitely should not have been. When rolling or just doing choreography on the floor, I was wincing in pain every time because I had no muscle to protect my bones. Instead of using my legs or body on the floor I would try and find a way to put pressure on my hands to ease the discomfort. There was not a time when I did not have bruises all over me. They were up and down my spine, surrounding my knees, hip bones, and elbows. Even in my safe place (dance studio), joy was still being taken away from me. I had no emotion or reaction to what was happening in practice. I truly was just going through the motions and stayed quiet. While my friends would be sweating in rehearsal I would still be cold, trying to get warm. After warm-ups happened and teachers would ask us to take off our layers I would try and fight back tears every time because the pain from being cold was too much for me to take. Believe me, I know it sounds dramatic, but it is true. There were several times when I would cry from being cold. I tried to hide it as much as I could.
I would dread going to dance simply because I could not get warm and be under a blanket. The same things happened with going to school. In the car when my dad would drop me off, I would have panic attacks and start crying. I would beg him to let me do school from home. I could not deal with constant shooting pains all over my body for 7 hours straight. No matter how many layers I wore, nothing helped. The last month of school was in June. My classmates began wearing shorts and t-shirts. I was still wearing my heavy winter jacket to school. On my last day of freshman year I had convinced my dad as a treat for completing the school year to let me stay home, that day I stayed under the warm electric blanket away from pain. This was my only escape from misery.
Check-in on your friends and family members, about anything. You truly never know what someone is going through. The Holidays are a time to be together and spread happiness which can be hard if you are struggling in the dark. Everyone deserves to enjoy life and all the yummy foods that come with it. I may still be hesitant to fully let myself enjoy food, especially during celebration periods, but I can say I have come a long way from two years ago, or even one year ago. Two years ago, my eating disorder was just developing. I was still running three miles every morning to “earn” food. This season I had convinced my parents to take me to the gym on Christmas morning before everyone woke up so I could get in my three miles. This was very unhealthy and my start of rigid exercise. One year ago, I had gone through my first round of IOP and started my recovery journey for a couple of months. However, eating chocolate and candy was still a problem and I struggled with body image. This Christmas, I am no longer afraid of enjoying a piece of chocolate candy. I am still working on my relationship with my body, but who knows, maybe by next year that will have grown for the better too.
Although it may seem as if everyone is sharing and experiencing happy memories, not everyone is, and that is okay, it is real life. Remember that all foods do fit. Your body is not going to fail you, it knows what to do when processing food. Practice self-care and mindfulness. It is more than okay to step away from situations and take a break to center yourself. If you have a meal plan from treatment, follow it as if it is any normal day. If not, here is your friendly reminder that 3 meals and snacks are a minimum. You are allowed to go over this; your body needs these 3 meals and snacks to function properly. The same goes for people on a treatment meal plan, your meal plan is a minimum. Your dietitian has created that as the minimum you have to have for your body to function, so it is 100% normal to add things to your food intake. Take this quote that Brittany Burgunder said for NEDA week. She says, “Recovery does not mean putting your life on hold. Recovery means holding on so you can live your best life.”
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