Treatment

 I had never been so nervous or afraid, but soon I would find out I was surrounded by the best people. In August of 2021, I started intensive outpatient treatment at Evolve Healing. Evolve is an eating disorder treatment center. My first “technical” day was meeting with my treatment team and evaluating what kind of care I would be getting. This check in process typically takes most of the day and your parent or guardian is with you. Also on this day I wasn’t allowed to see any  of the other patients I would be in treatment with. The following day, August 5th, was my first official day of treatment. Since I was in IOP my day started at 3pm. I would walk in and check myself into the front desk and fill out a paper everyday that asked how I was feeling. Next, I would meet the PHP kids in the dining hall for afternoon snack. I remember not knowing what snack I was going to be given on the first day, or if I even had any say in it. This created some anxiety for me, because I wasn’t able to control what I was eating. This in the end helped me to learn that food is just food. It doesn’t matter, it fuels you, and keeps you running. I was on one of the highest level meal plans at the time so my afternoon snack was considered a “complete snack”. A “complete snack” consists of fiber and a healthy fat. The meal group therapist asked if I liked cuties and string cheese. I replied with, “yes I do”. I assumed I would just be getting one of each. Nope, that did not happen. 30 seconds later Luke (the chef) comes out with two cuties and two string cheese. I was shocked to say the least. Back then this is more than I would have for breakfast. I also now have realized, that is what my body needed at the time to restore weight. If you thought that is all I would have to have for an afternoon snack, you are mistaken. Another 30 seconds later, I was brought an Emily Program Shake. An Emily program shake is essentially just a milkshake. Don’t get me wrong, they are DELICIOUS. Probably one of the best milkshakes I have ever had, but in this situation the last thing I wanted to do was eat snack. I was immediately overcome with worry and guilt about how much I was going to need to eat. I began eating and quickly I heard a timer go off. I had no idea I had been given a time limit.  Later,  I learned that you are given 15 minutes to eat a snack which is an appropriate amount of time. I had no idea of this and in my eating disorder I would try and eat as slow as possible. The meal time therapist said she would give me 5 more minutes to finish and if I didn’t I would have to supplement. I ended up gulping down my shake and eating the oranges and cheese in record time. Next I was off to group therapy.  Everyday of the week after snack we had 2 therapy classes and they would change depending on what was scheduled. For example Tuesdays were body image and bibliotherapy. Let's be real, I didn't enjoy bibliotherapy. You read books with your head therapist as a group and process them. For example we read the series, My Life With ED. Mindful movement and body image were my favorite classes. In mindful movement we would do yoga, play low activity games outside, and play musical chairs. Then body image always consisted of some sort of craft and I got to use my creative side.  My first class with the other kids in treatment I didn’t know anyone and I will admit at first I felt very alone. By the next week though I had quickly made friends with all the other patients. The people you meet in treatment are unlike any other. They are with you through your ups and downs, they can relate to what you're going through, and they are the most genuine people I have ever met. Every single person I met in treatment holds a special place in my heart. After we have our two classes we go to the restroom as a group before heading to the dinning hall before dinner. I recall on my first day being super anxious about what they were going to feed me for dinner since I felt I had already had enough to eat from snacks. The first dinner meal I was given at treatment was chili with noodles in it. I typically like chili, but I had never had it with noodles. I was anti eating this meal because of all the carbs it contained in my mind. With the chili and noodles I was also given water, chocolate milk, strawberries, and two pieces of garlic bread. The 30 minute timer for dinner was set. I don’t remember much of what was going on around me during meal time on my first day because I was so focused on my food. It took me a second to get started and a few tears but I finished dinner. One thing I have learned during my time at treatment is that it is completely ok to have emotions. We are human and our emotions are valid. After dinner we clean up, sign out, and go home. If anyone is going to treatment for their first time it is going to be intimidating, but I promise you will feel comfortable and a sense of home there quickly. Yes, treatment is difficult and it isn’t easy. There have been plenty of days where I have wanted to give up. But, my support team and friends in treatment were there to help. I have made good and bad memories through my recovery at Evolve. The bad memories don’t matter though because the good ones out weigh them by a million pounds. The other patients I met have changed me because I have seen life through so many different perspectives. I will forever cherish the funny games and tricks we would play on our therapist. Those are souvenirs I take away from treatment that I will carry with me. You may be hesitant to  go into treatment. But, there is no harm in asking for more help. You can’t do this alone and nobody should have to. In the wise words of Callie Bowld, “The end of an eating disorder begins with the decision to stop”.