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Holiday Time and Ed

 It was Christmas Eve and I was begging my parents to go to the gym. Last year, I had an unhealthy obsession with running. I would run to earn food and to be skinner. The night before Christmas day I was asking my parents over and over again if I could go on Christmas, even though it is a holiday, I wanted to go to the gym and run. After pleading all night they eventually agreed. Christmas morning at 7:00am before eating breakfast or opening presents, they took me to the gym. I proceeded to run three miles. The reason I had wanted to work out so badly was so I could then enjoy my Christmas day and not feel guilty for eating food. 


In reality, I wasn’t close to eating enough food to fuel my body in the first place. When we were done at the gym I went home and had a piece of toast. There was no butter or any spread on it. It was simply just a piece of toasted bread. Running and the thoughts in my mind to be the ideal image of “skinny” were controlling my life. Did I actually want to wake up on Christmas morning to go on a 3 mile run? No absolutely not, but I did it anyway because I would feel “bad” that I let myself skip a day of working out. I also knew if I let myself skip a day of running I would limit myself on how much food I would eat that day. So, by me running on Christmas that meant I would be able to “enjoy” pizza for dinner without being guilt free. As a matter of fact, I used running as a way of punishment for what I was eating. My eating disorder brain would tell me over and over again I needed to workout because: 1) I wasn’t good enough and 2) there is probably someone else working out and much skinnier than you. 


The holidays are a time for joy and connecting with your family. I wasn’t doing that. I was too focused on how many calories I was consuming. I am sharing this story because I know the holidays can be stressful. You don’t have to feel guilty for eating your favorite holiday treats. You don’t have to compare how many servings you have of your holiday dinner to others. You do deserve to make memories and enjoy the food around Christmas and the holidays. I won’t lie, I still have a hard time around the holidays this year. I just needed to remind myself of a quote by Emily Locke, “There is more to the holidays than food. Your eating disorder doesn’t deserve to take control of yet another part of your life.” Don’t let your eating disorder make the holidays an obstacle, because it is a time for love and happiness. 

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