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Only Talking to Myself and ED

 I remember walking away from the kitchen thinking, “Whew I didn’t get caught.” In the depths of my eating disorder, I was lying to everyone around me. My parents and doctors thought I just had a high metabolism that suddenly kicked in. The truth is I wasn’t eating. I would wake up every morning before anyone else and “make my breakfast’’. This included emptying a Boost plus bottle down the drain to look like I drank it. Getting utensils dirty and sprinkling some oatmeal in a bowl to look like I had eaten. By doing this, it was so mentally tasking to keep a lie hidden inside of me from every possible human. I had no one to talk to but myself, and the eating disorder. After pretending to eat “breakfast,” I would go back to sleep until lunch. If I was alone for lunch, I would do the same thing and leave some crumbs on a plate and dirty some more silverware to make it as if I had consumed the food I needed to. I was filling the void in my head of eating. These actions continued on for months and months. My malnourished brain was telling myself I didn’t need food. I wasn’t ill. I wasn’t in the hospital. I was fine. In reality, I was being crushed mentally and physically by the day. Please know to whoever is reading this you shouldn't have to hide. Food isn’t a punishment and should never be feared. Food is one of the three things needed to keep you alive. Food isn’t going to impact you. The least interesting thing about you is your body. There is so much more to you than your body. Fuel your body, don't tarnish it. You only have one. 


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